UPDATED MAR 2020. I have a little bit of Katie trivia for you today. My husband and I have been together for almost 4 years and you know what, we have only been able to spend a little over 1 year of that time actually together. Between an international relationship, deployment and training exercises, most of our relationship has occurred over a long distance. We are well-practiced at this and I guess it’s kind of our ‘normal’. I’m not writing this for you to feel sorry for me. Quite the contrary. I think I have learned a lot during this time and have the secret to thriving in a long distance relationship to share with you.
The Secret to Thriving in a Long Distance Relationship
Everyone doomed us
Sure everyone thought (and told us) we would have failed by now. They said we would have a lot of reintegration issues when we are together. But I’m really glad we didn’t listen to those who doomed us because distance has had the opposite effect for us.
We have thrived through this distance. It put us to the test time and time again and our love story kept getting stronger and stronger.
For me, and I only say for me since I can’t speak for what my husband’s friends tell him – you know Bro-Code, I have been told many times by friends that they are inspired by my strength and how I deal with being apart from him so often.
To be honest, I never actually thought of myself as being strong or coping with a major hardship.
So it got me to thinking about my approach to long distance.
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What is my secret? Do I even have one?
I think that overall, I subscribe to the belief that life is what you make it.
There are people who choose to play the victim in life and whine about their problems. Then there are those who make the most of what they have and live with gratitude.
I choose to be in the latter category and I think that definitely helps me when dealing with long distance, and military life in general.
Another aspect is simply our personalities. We are not the co-dependent type of people.
But there must be something else. There’s got to be more to it. Another way of thinking that allows me to thrive while we are apart.
I got it. Here’s my secret.
We are never really apart.
That’s it. Pretty simple huh? Before you feel ripped off by that, let me explain.
[Warning: Hippie stuff ahead. If you were looking for a fluffy article with trivial advice then you may as well leave this page now. If you are looking for insight as far as a new perspective on long distance then read on. You might just find this interesting.]
Here’s my philosophy on this.
When you connect with someone, you give them a part of yourself and take a part of them in the form of memories.
Sometimes we tend to come across a great memory which makes us sad for that person we are missing. E.g. we hear a song on the radio which reminds us of them.
The song reminds us that there is a gaping hole in our lives and a piece of the puzzle is missing.
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The trick to flipping this is in the way you look at it.
Instead of thinking of that song as a reminder of what you are missing and having it make you sad, I think of it as that person is with you in that song, that memory.
Through the memories, that person is a part of you and lives with you no matter how great the distance.
For me, when I feel warmth, that’s my babes when he holds me tight. When I hear a song that reminds me of him, I smile and re-live that memory. When I push myself on a hike, that’s his lessons which have made me a more confident hiker. The list could go on and on.
He is always with me and it is because of this that I am able to thrive in the distance without the aching feeling that something is missing.
I never feel alone.
Sure there are some days when I just miss him and want to be together, but for the most part, he is still with me.
This doesn’t just work for romantic long distance relationships either.
People often ask if I miss my family since moving overseas and it’s not to say that I don’t miss them but to me, it doesn’t feel like we are apart.
Every time I have a good old belly laugh I think of my sister who makes me laugh so much. When I look into nature I think of my dad who taught me about respecting wildlife.
Every time I see shells on the beach I think of combing through them as a child with my mum.
I also think this is a good way to approach dealing with the most permanent of long-distance – death.
This is our immortality.
If you’re in a long distance relationship or missing someone at the moment, I urge you to give this way of thinking a go and see if it helps get rid of the sad, achy feeling.
It might take a little practice but I hope it can help in some way because it sure helps me.
Other posts you might enjoy
Long Distance Birthday Ideas & Navigating Special Occasions While Apart
5 Friends You Need In Your Life (And 5 You Definitely Don’t)
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Relationships like yours lets me tell my fiancé that were not the only couples in the world going through long distance. She would actually count down the days we been physically together over the years we been together. And for the years we were together we only been physically together for a few months. I stress communication. Making plans to do things together through Skype/ FaceTime, and always comforting one another that everything will be okay. This allowed us to grow quickly as a couple and also allow us to make ourselves better as an individual. And it’s not so bad that every time we see each other it’s like falling in love again.
Thank you for stopping by! You’re so right, every time you are together it’s like a honeymoon! Glad you guys are staying strong through the distance.
I agree with you 100% “life is what you make it”. We’ve only done long distance for the first two years of our relationship and we heard the same things from others saying it doesn’t work and all of that. But of course, we’ve never listened to any of that because we were in charge of the future of our relationship. There were tough days, naturally, but it only made things sweeter when we’d finally be together again. Just like you, A is with me everyday. I think about him constantly especially and just can’t wait to share all these things as soon as he gets home. To be honest, I can’t say that I’ve had “one of those days” this deployment, once I thought I did, but I quickly overcame it and carried on. I try to keep things as stress free as possible, everyday brings me closer to our reunion and we’ll have another thing to get through. And that’s what makes part of this journey an amazing one!
It’s all about how you handle it right and each day is another day closer to one of those sweet reunions!
Ah love this; like you, i’ve spent most part away from my husband because of our international relationship. Made it through his deployed days, back to back underway, long duty days, etc. We are still living apart, despite being married, due to fact of waiting on my permanent resident status to clear. Crazy to think we’ve managed to deal with the distance positively. Can’t believe how fast 4 years flew by for us, and soon, first thanksgiving together to look towards that “first kiss”. Thank you for sharing this piece! At least i know, i can tell my friends that long distance do work out!!
Thank you for stopping by and sharing your love story! Yes they definitely do! I’m glad you guys are getting through it as well 🙂
I love this! It helps to hear your perspective, since my hubby and I are in a similar situation. He is also in the military, and we are rarely together. Some stuff is harder for it, but our lives are better for being together no matter how much time is actually spent together. I would rather have our moments here and there than be with anyone else. Like you said, even when he isn’t here, he is still with me.
Thank you for sharing this! Take care 🙂
It means a lot that you left a comment and shared your story – thank you! Quality over quantity right? I’m sure it has made you both and your relationship very strong! All the best to you both xx
My girlfriend and I met over the Internet and it’s like she was taylor made for me. Our secret is complete honesty and plans. We make dates to watch movies while on the phone, synced up so we are laughing at the same parts, etc. I treat her like she’s in the same room with me, even sometimes asking if she wants a bite of my dessert. We plan to meet in person in a middle distance town in a few months….11 months after I asked her out. If she’s ever feeling low I ask her about what the whether is going to look like the first time we hug. I paint vivid pictures for her to hold on to and she does the same for me. I have night mares…so we sleep with the phones connected. And she wakes me up if I’m having one and sings me back to sleep. She’s law enforcement and constantly works 16s so I write her letters for her to read on her lunch breaks. Long distance works as long as your head is in the right place. Thank you so much for your post, I love being reminded how very lucky I am no matter how hard it is to miss them.
Hi Audria, I love this! Thanks so much for sharing your story and tips! I especially love what you talk about when she is feeling low, that’s such a great way to focus on the positive. All the best to you lovebirds!
I love to read this! I was thinking exact the same.. My dad thought me: Distance is in your head, not in your heart.
I moved to Australia 5 months ago and my man has been in Holland since then, but he is coming to Indonesia tomorrow!
But the thing is, I was living in Sydney and I wasnt happy, I felt down most of the times. And that screwed up my whole way of thinking, my peace. I missed everyone and wanted to go back home.
I am trying to get my vibe back again and it will come, I believe so. But it is hard that I was so unbalanced. I will give myself time, to regrip myself again.
Thank you for writing this, it reminds me of how I was and how I want to be again
Thank you so much for commenting Nienke. Your dad’s advice is perfect! I’m honored to have reminded you of how you want your life to be and just hope so much you can get out of the funk and back on track. Sending lots of good wishes your way!