How To Survive Deployment – The Brutal First 48 Hours

If you follow me on social media, I’m sure you’re aware that last week was rough on me. My husband left for deployment just 3 months after we moved here to Italy. We had been apart for 10 months prior and it felt like we had just settled into our new home together then *poof* he was gone, and there I was sitting in a very quiet apartment wondering if I would be able to survive deployment again. 

How to Survive Deployment – The Brutal First 48 Hours

To be brutally honest, I was simply overwhelmed with the ache of loneliness. I didn’t feel any anger or worry towards my husband at all, just a deep pain within myself and it was the most isolating feeling I’ve ever experienced.

There was one piece of this puzzle that just didn’t quite make sense though. My husband and I have been separated many times, most of our relationship in fact, and I had never felt this way before.

I am usually quite predictable – sad for a while then by the end of the first day I have bounced back. Still a little sad but at least functioning.

Hell, the last time I was left in a new country I literally got in a car alone and taught myself to drive on the opposite side of the road the day after he left!

I thought I was strong and capable, so why this pain? Why is this time different? There has to be some reason for it.

At first, in my typical logical thinker fashion, I rationalized it as being due to my current ‘new resident’ situation. I mean, I have no car (still on its way from Hawaii), no work visa so no job or money, no friends and very limited communication with neighbors given the language barrier.

Of course, there’s a cause and effect. And perhaps that was the cause, but the truth is, there was not only a cause for this pain but a reason for it.

Even with everything I’ve gone through in my life, I actually can’t remember a time where I had felt this way and this experience gave me an overwhelming, slap in the face understanding of pain.

A pain which until now, I couldn’t truly relate to.

For example, when other wives had talked to me about deployment pains before it was always very simple, black and white, in my mind. Just go out and make the most of it, I would insensitively respond, and, not surprisingly, people stopped venting to me about their problems.

On a bigger picture though, this experience gave me a greater understanding of pain in general and what many others go through as they are coping with other traumatic life experiences.

You may remember last year I published a blog post on Surviving the Long Distance Relationship, and this post focused on more the bigger picture things that will get you through these pains – they don’t have to be deployment-related and could be applied to any down phase of life, to be honest.

I believe in those tips and stand by them 100%, but today I wanted to share some tips on how to survive a deployment, or any pain for that matter, in those painful first 48 hours because I now understand that they require a slightly different approach.

Now I’m not an expert on anything.

I just share my story and lessons I learn along the way and hope that it can help others in some shape or form.

So here are a few of the lightbulb moments that I uncovered from within myself last week and I hope they can help in some way if you are experiencing pain.

How to Survive Deployment – The First 48 Hours

Feel

Take a timeout. Feel what you feel. Accept it. Be honest with yourself.

No need to run or hide from your feelings. Just feel and acknowledge them.

Let them work their way through you.

Write in a journal if it helps you to get out whatever you are feeling. I sometimes fall into the trap of masking my feelings and have a crazy (not healthy) ability to block them out, so I write a lot to unlock and acknowledge them.

I even started to feel ok on the second day, then I had an overwhelming sense of guilt. I can’t be ok, we’re apart, I’m meant to be sad. Which in turn made me even sadder!

All I could do was write and write and write everything I felt in the pages of my polka dot covered journal, whether it made sense or not.

Nurture yourself

This is something I forgot to do on the first day and it was only through forgetting that I realized just how important it is.

For me, I always need to have an at home girly spa day where I put on a movie and have a face mask, paint my nails and eat some chocolate.

It’s so simple, but for me taking that time out helps. I did this on the second day and immediately felt better.

Do something special and nurturing for yourself, whatever that means to you. It might be taking time to watch a movie, paint, draw, play with your pets, read, craft, cook – just do something that makes you feel good.

Make 3 goals

This sounds silly but I’m serious and this is something I saw on a YouTube video.

Write down 3 goals for the day.

They can be as simple as taking a shower, eating a nutritious meal or writing in your journal. Just three goals that you can achieve in the day that will motivate you to get up.

Make them visible for the day and cross each off as you do them. Then write another 3 for the next day and each day afterward that you need to.

Go for a walk

Or at least go outside. A simple stroll around the neighborhood or even just sitting on your balcony or at a park bench. Something to get you outside of the four walls of your house.

Sunshine and fresh air can be incredibly therapeutic and shouldn’t be undervalued.

I took my dogs for a walk around the block on the second day (with a hat and sunnies to hide my wrecked looking face) and just that time outside helped to give me some balance.

Photo courtesy of Jessica Bacerra

Talk to someone

Human interaction is so powerful and is sometimes taken for granted. I know you probably don’t want to talk to anyone. Maybe you don’t want to be a Debbie Downer, burden anyone, or appear weak but just talk to someone.

I called my parents and I’ll be honest, I didn’t want to. I didn’t want to upset them hearing their daughter cry over the phone half a world away.

I didn’t want to appear weak. And I’m so sorry that I did that to them, but you know what, it felt so good to just talk and hear a reassuring voice.

I’m happy to say that after those painful 48 hours or so, I bounced back and will be ready to share a new adventure post in next week’s blog.

Relatable: How To Celebrate Special Occasions In A Long Distance Relationship